“Goin’ Bald”, were lyrics which I penned to fit Robbie Williams’ song titled “Come Undone”. I mentioned this when I sent in the entry (it must be said at this point, that my entries are for the lyric only category, so I thought lyrics which fit a popular song would make the judges job easier). The lyrics are tongue in cheek (a parody in the style of Wierd Al Yankovic) but I half knew at the time of entry, this is something the average American appreciates as much as the average German). Here were the results.
The (important) imagery and clarity ratings are once more not as good as they should be. It’s been nearly four years since I looked at these lyrics, so let me see what I think of my lyrics and the judges comments – of which there were pleasantly many.
I agree with the first line set up – I’d now probably swap the positon of the first two lines. I’m not exactly sure what’s so confusing about the third line – maybe my use of place, which I’d now alter to “room’s” and I think I’d now alter “I didn’t like it, not one bit” to “I do not like the look of this” to retain the grammatical tense.
The eight! question marks referencing the pre-chorus leave no clue as to the source of the problem. Eight question marks! I can only imagine that the note refers to the rhyming “thinin'” with “action”. An English (Robbie William’s Potters accent – which I also have) will rhyme the final “N” as is “thiinN” with “akschuN”. Maybe too hard for an American judge to imagine. But also used (in my lyrics) to rhyme “fuN” with “loNg”, “fuN” with “stroNg” and “fuN” with “goNe”
The “out of context” comment is confusing (me). “My hair was long”. Hair remains in context of “goin’ bald” and “was” implies the past tense – used to be.
I must also heavily contest the note “inconsistent use of hook”. Yes, strictly speaking, it is, but the song has moved on (in the bridge) from “going” to “gone”, a tense which is also maintained in the outro. So I think this is just a too strict a view on how a song’s hook should and can be deployed. To misquote Black Adder’s Cap’n Rum “I says you can vary the hook – everyone else says you can’t!”.